Ask Ambrose – “My Giant Animal Is Driving Me Nuts”

Cyclopean Cat Problem

Dear Ambrose,

A couple of weeks ago I made the mistake of buying a giant cat, and now it is wrecking my house and terrorizing my family. For a while there I thought I would tough it out, and the family and I have been sleeping on a floating mattress in the middle of the pool. So far this has worked as Wilfred (that is our cat’s name) has the traditional feline fear of water, but last Thursday it ate the mailman and I now realize something has to be done. Please help.

It was the cat, not the mattress, that ate the mailman.

Regretful Cat Owner
Alberta, Canada

Dear Regretful Cat Owner,

I can’t help but think that you are being something of a malcontent. A giant cat is a rare creature and you should be proud to own one. As for sleeping outside, all the fresh air will do you and the family good and the gentle oscillations of the water will help to get everyone off to sleep – think of all the money you will save on sleeping pills. You might, however, want to start sleeping in wetsuits and full scuba gear just in case one of you falls into the pool in the middle of the night. And speaking of the middle of the night, just think of the energy you’ll save when you have to take a wizz in the dark of the night. Just do it over the side – everyone else is asleep, so what do they care? As for mailmen, they are bastards and you should thank your cat for eating them. Half the packages I order from EBay go missing and I am sure it is because of these bastards, so the less of them there are the better.

Hoping you learn some gratitude,


Unbalanced Rabbit Troubles Owner

Dear Ambrose,

My giant rabbit keeps falling over. He is a good rabbit and overall I am very pleased with his behavior, it is only this problem which troubles me. Last month while I was taking him for a walk, he fell on a bus full of nuns. It was very embarrassing and I am now the subject of a lawsuit by the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Nuns. What can I do?

Befuddled Bunny Owner

Rhode Island

Dear Befuddled Bunny Owner,

I fear that there is only one possible explanation for this otherwise inexplicable behavior – your rabbit has a secret drinking problem. Alcohol doesn’t just materialize out of thin air so he must be getting it from somewhere. Ask the local bars and liquor shops if a giant yellow rabbit ever comes in to steal booze – I am assuming that your rabbit does not have a job and hence cannot afford to buy the alcohol. Check also for stashes around the house. Alcoholic rabbits have been known to hide stashes of Jack around the house, sometimes in the basement and sometimes in the woodpile, and the smarter ones have even been known to hide bottles in the toilet tank. If you are unable to reduce his drinking, you may have to keep him at home. This won’t solve his drinking problem but it might save you a lot of public embarrassment and a lot of nuns a lot of trouble.

Hoping I have been of help,


Voracious Pet Problem

Dear Ambrose,

My giant guinea pig is eating me out of house and home. I don’t mean just that he eats all the food, I mean that he is literally eating the house. Since we bought him he has eaten two sofas, a dining suite and most of the upstairs bathroom. He has also been giving the dog suspicious looks. Any help will be appreciated.

Missing My Bathroom

Dear Missing My Bathroom

You silly woman, what you have there is not a guinea pig, it’s a South American animal called a wombat! I suggest you take your ravenous guest back to the pet shop and ask for your money back and sternly reprimand them for selling wombats as guinea pigs. If this does not work you may have to call in the immigration authorities and see if you can have the wombat deported back to South America.

Hoping I have been of help,


Hamster Has Eating Problem

Dear Ambrose,

My giant hamster keeps eating my neighbors. The worst incident was two weeks ago when I invited the president of the co-op and his wife over for dinner. During the second course my hamster mistook the wife for a canapé and ate her with relish, so to speak. The co-op is now threatening to throw us out of the building. What can I do about this situation?

Hassled by Hungry Hamster
New York

Dear Hassled by Hungry Hamster,

You should try to get your hamster a seat on the co-op board. Depending on his intelligence you have two courses of action once you have achieved this. If your hamster is up to it, he may be able to use rhetoric and subtle persuasion to convince the co-op to not throw you out of your house. If the hamster is not a very bright one you will have to lock him in the room with the other members of the co-op and let nature take its course, preferably after “accidentally” splashing some béarnaise sauce on the co-op members.

Hoping i have been of help,



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