How To Survive A Zombie Apocalypse

We all know from things like The Walking Dead that the world being taken over by zombies is just a matter of time, but what precisely can you do to ensure that you and your loved ones will make it through such an event? Having spent much time researching the subject of zombies and their related apocalypses, I have learned quite a few things which should, when the day comes, help my readers to stay out of some undead bastard’s gut…

The first thing to remember is that deep down zombies are just like everyone else – they are people like you and me, except that they smell even worse. Other than that, they are regular folks – they have dreams, hopes and ambitions just like the rest of humanity. The main difference lies in the fact that a zombie’s primary ambition is to feast on your flesh without even going to the trouble of cooking and garnishing it. For this reason, it is best not to date, marry, or otherwise hang out with a zombie – if a cool-looking zombie says to you, “Hey, dude, come on over to my pad and let’s chillax for a while,” do not accept the invitation as this line is merely a devious ploy often used by predators such as zombies and hipsters. But what do you do when the zombies don’t see things your way and insist on initiating some sort of hunger-driven contact? In other words, how do you keep yourself from being eaten by one of these shambling piles of rotting meat?

The first tactic in avoiding the undead is to run, preferably in a direction away from the zombies. As zombies are notoriously slow this tactic works well for most people especially if, before running for it, you point off to the zombie’s side and yell excitedly “Hey, isn’t that a big fat guy over there?” Being as slow of brain as they are of limb, the zombies will turn in the direction of the non-existent fat man, giving you an extra head start. This tactic works well for most, but is of limited use to such groups as the elderly, dwarves, and the morbidly obese. These people would be better off riding cars or even golf carts in such situations. If you are prepping for a zombie apocalypse but do not have a car, golf carts can be purchased quite cheaply on outlets such as eBay and can easily be stored in the living room.

(Speaking of dwarves, these little people are always handy in such situations as they can easily be thrown to the zombies as a distraction. While the zombies are busy with their bite-sized snack, you can make your getaway. For this reason, no zombie prepper’s bug out kit is truly complete without at least one dwarf. Dwarves can be purchased from army surplus stores, which is where would-be recruits are sent when they are too short to make it into the army.)

But back to transport. As vital as these things are, don’t let the possession of a car or golf cart lull you into a dangerously false sense of security – surprising as it seems, a not uncommon element of a zombie apocalypse is that a significant number of people find themselves carjacked by zombies. Being both slow and lazy, the average zombie would rather ride than walk, so if you see one of them heading for your car door, trust me, they ain’t about to ask if they can wash your windshield. Soon as they shuffle your way, you peel that sucker out of there. And if for some reason you can’t get the car moving, for example you may be stuck behind the kind of massive pile-up that often occurs in these scenarios, just get out and run – you have only one life, but you can always steal another car later.

If you somehow find yourself deprived of your vehicle, have no more dwarves to throw, and are too lazy to run, there are other tactics you can try. You can, for example, stand very still and hope that the zombies will mistake you for a lamppost or a trash can. This tactic has been known to work for the more drab amongst us, but is not recommended for those fond of wearing bright colors as they may be mistaken for candy canes or unusually large gummy bears. A more certain tactic, but one useful only when threatened by the brain-eating subspecies of zombie, is to wear a t-shirt reading “I Heart Fox News.” As it is well known that Fox viewers have no brains, the brain-eating variety of zombie will leave you alone and go looking for some nerd instead. If your particular region is plagued by the kind of zombie that regards any part of the human body the way Oprah regards a bear claw, then you may want to try dressing up like a carrot. As these zombies are strictly meat eaters they will be inclined to avoid you. If you are accosted by an especially stupid zombie – for example, one wearing a Fox News t-shirt – you could try to remind them of their mistake by saying in a loud and distinct voice, “Me carrot! You carnivore! Savvy?”

But what if, despite your best efforts, you can’t escape and are forced into a confrontation with a rancid, moldering flesh-muncher? This is where weapons come in handy. As everyone knows, the best way to stop a zombie is to blow its head off. This is best done with a shotgun as its spread will allow even your severely myopic grandmother to hit the target. Other types of guns such as Glocks, M16s and rocket launchers will also do a good job, but regardless of which type of gun you use, you must always check first to see if the gun is loaded – going into a zombie fight with an unloaded gun can have undesirable consequences. But what if you are stuck without a gun, what can you do then? The best course of action is to steal yourself some sticks of dynamite – unattended construction sites are always a good bet. When a zombie comes after you, light the fuse, shove the stick of dynamite into the zombie’s mouth, then run away before the zombie’s head explodes. As the debris from such an explosion can fall over quite a wide area it may be a good idea to open up an umbrella just before you start running.

It logically follows that if blowing a moaning shambler’s head off will stop him in his tracks, so will destroying the brain by smashing in the skull or separating the head from the body. For the first, baseball bats are quite adequate but hockey sticks do a much better job –  being blade-shaped objects they will cleave right into that zombie noggin like it was an over-ripe watermelon on a hot summer’s day. For the second, you will have to resort to something like a meat cleaver or, best of all, a samurai sword. If using the latter, you must not give in to the temptation to go into a lot of stylized, chop-socky type moves to impress the zombie before you send his head spinning through the air, as many zombies will find such displays culturally insensitive and may take offence.

All this talk of cleavings brings me to the second (or is it the third?) best way to stop a zombie – namely dismemberment. If a zombie is in several pieces, it will pose little threat as all it will be able to do is make its various body parts jump around comically. For the dismembering of a walker a medium-sized, and therefore portable, chainsaw is best, though if the zombie is in a very advanced state of decomposition even a weed whacker will do. As you can imagine, this is a rather messy way of getting things done and a raincoat and a pair of goggles are strongly recommended.

But as is usually the case, the best way to deal with an apocalypse is to avoid it in the first place. The obvious way to do this in the case of a zombie apocalypse is to minimize the number of dead people in the ground. The best method here is to make sure everyone makes it clear to their friends and relatives that when they finally kick the bucket they are to be cremated instead of buried – no matter how hell-bent a pile of ashes may be on eating you alive, it will pose little risk and can easily be dispatched using a common, everyday vacuum cleaner. As for those who have a religious objection to being incinerated, all I can say is that they must eat well, brush regularly, and try very, very hard to not die. I realize this means they won’t be going to an eternal paradise any time soon, but we all have to make sacrifices for the common good. Not only that, but if you turn up at the pearly gates with your neighbor’s giblets handing out of your mouth, you ain’t gettin’ in – trust me.


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