Apocalypse Now!

Oh crap, the Rapture is here! And I haven’t been to confession in 33 years!

This time the world is going to end  on May 21st, or so we are told by a Christian loony tune by the name of Harold Camping. Old Man Camping, who currently resides at the Saint Alowishus Home For The Perpetually Bewildered, claims that the world is going to be flattened by a  series of earthquakes tomorrow, and that everyone except the truly gullible will be spending the rest of eternity kissing Lucifer’s ass.

Not only is this latest prediction of the Endtimes completely bereft of any evidence, but it is being made by the same jackass who predicted that it would all end back in 1994! The other factor adding to my skepticism is  Camping’s claim that, strictly speaking, the world will end only several months after the Rapture. In other words, the zealots go off to heaven to have tea and cookies with the Old Man in the Sky, and the rest of us are left to cope with the aftermath of the earthquakes as God spends months destroying what took him only days to create! Poor bastard, he must be getting old…

But what if granddad there is right? What if the world does get  shaken to pieces on Saturday? Well, I for one will be rather miffed, not so much because of the eternal hellfire but because my angora sweater hasn’t yet come back from the cleaners. Then there’s the fact that my next payday is May 24th, so I will in effect have worked a whole month for free, and I’m just not fond enough of capitalism to be giving my labor away.

There are positives to Armageddon, though. No more reality TV; no more standing in line for hours only to find out that all the Justin Bieber tickets have already been bought out by some acne-ridden, hormone-fueled girlie with a fetish for Canadian lesbians; no more fretting over whether or not Mel Gibson and Charlie Sheen are in fact the same person, but above all no more having to put up with terminally deranged egomaniacs who every other year decide to cause trouble by scaring the bejezus out of those sheepish enough to believe all their claptrap.




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