Cat Has Unusual Sitting Habits

My cat has the annoying habit of walking into the room and then sitting with her back to the humans. There is no exception, it’s always with the back to us. We once snuck out of the room, and when we peeked through the window we could see that she had now turned around! What could be causing this unusual behavior?

Flummoxed Feline Owner

Miami area

This means your cat is dissing the entire human race. You should not however be concerned about this, as being generally disrespectful towards humans is a cat’s calling in life. If anything you should be proud that you have a cat that is so exceptional at it. Now, if one day you come home and find the cat hiding behind the door, a chainsaw in its hands and a maniacal grin on its face, it may be time to trade the psycho pussycat in for a nice placid pooch.

Yours, Ambrose

Pet Weasel Pilfering Problem

Dear “Ask Ambrose”

My weasel has a nasty habit of breaking into the fridge while I am at work and eating all the eggs. It eats only the eggs, and seems to prepare them in  a variety of ways – I have sometimes found unwashed skillets in the sink despite the fact that I myself never use these things due to my being allergic to circular cooking utensils. I have confronted him on this matter but he refuses to answer, instead affecting what I can best describe as a look of coy innocence.

Disgruntled Weasel Owner

County Cork, UK

There is nothing I can do about this problem except to advise you to put some sort of padlock on the fridge. Why you would want to do so I do not know, as not many people can brag that they have a weasel who can make his own meals. My advice is to provide said weasel with all the eggs and skillets it desires, and to record it with a hidden camera. You can then enter your weasel in some sort of reality cooking show and make a bundle.

Yours, Ambrose

Listless Dog  Problem

Dear Mr Mugwump, please find enclosed a photograph of my dog, Sunny Jim.

My dog has been in this rigid position ever since I bought him. He seems very lazy and unresponsive. This is very disappointing as I was planning on teaching him some fancy tricks.

Please help.

Unhappy Hound Trainer

Missouri

Dear Unhappy Hound Trainer,

You have bought a stuffed dog, a species notorious for its lethargy. I’m afraid that teaching him any but the simplest of tricks will be very difficult. Next time you buy a dog, hold a mirror up to its nose. If the mirror does not fog over the dog is dead and should not be bought.

Hoping I have been of help,

Ambrose Mugwump