The Worldwide Chicken Conspiracy — Revealed At Last!

Forget Bilderberg. Forget the Masons. Forget the Project for the New American Century — the real threat to world freedom these days are the chickens.

We should have seen it coming, of course. There are almost five times as many chickens on the face of the planet as there are humans, and God knows how many more chickens are hiding at the center of the earth. With that many chickens running around, you just knew they had to be up to something sinister. After all, what are the chances that all that clucking just adds up to innocuous chatter along the lines of, “Good corn today, Mabel!” No. The chicken is a devious and cunning animal, and so it was a given that their ambitions would sooner or later turn to world domination.

Suspecting that something sinister was afoot, I went looking around the most trustworthy repository of information known to man  – the internet – and soon found a reliable source high up in the US government. This man is someone who posts on several forums as “DeepCraw74” and who has obvious access to the corridors of power ( in one post he revealed that President Obama’s favorite color is blue, a fact that only an insider would know and which I was easily able to verify through an internet search) and an encyclopedic knowledge of American politics ( in 2011 he correctly predicted that there would be a presidential election the following year.)

According to DeepCraw74, the chicken conspiracy has infiltrated even the highest echelons of world power. Not only do chickens secretly fund and run both major political parties in the US, but they are also in control of the World Bank, The International Monetary Fund, and my local branch of Little League. But how does such a thing happen? Chickens are not exactly known for their wealth, so how have they reached such lofty heights of world power? Well, it all comes down to the chicken’s hidden weapon – its intellect. It seems that over the last thirty years chicken scientists working for the Worldwide Chicken Conspiracy, a.k.a Clucks Against Humanity, have developed such sophisticated androids that not even the smartest human can tell them from the real thing. These amazing androids are operated by chicken pilots hidden inside the machine’s thoracic cavity and then used to replace people in positions of power. The victims of this nefarious plan are usually lured to their deaths by promises of fried chicken – this is how Rush Limbaugh met his end – or seduced and then suffocated with a pillow by Angelina Jolie, who in WCC circles is known as the Mata Hari of Chickens. Ironically, the real Angelina Jolie was killed off in her late teens while protesting the treatment of chickens outside a KFC. Once replaced by the android version, the WCC swiftly engineered Jolie’s rise through the Hollywood hierarchy – something that, at long last, explains her getting that Oscar for “Girl Interrupted.”

But the rot goes much, much higher than bloated talk radio kings and anorexic screen queens. The current head of The International Monetary Fund is a chicken called Christine Lagarde, who replaced an actual human called Dominique Strauss-Kahn who was booted out of the job after an American chicken accused him of ruffling her feathers. Once he was out, in came Lagarde, who proceeded to institute a bunch of suspicious initiatives including forbidding third world countries from hosting any anti-chicken organizations including Lyndon LaRouche’s civil rights organization The Chickens Are Out To Get Us, and the corporation which owns Chicken Licken. Ironically, Lagarde is one of the few chicken androids who actually looks like a chicken, so one wonders why it has taken so long for anyone to realize what she’s up to.

DeepCraw74 also informs us that WHO ( the World Health Organization, not the well-known space alien) is totally under control of the chickens, and that this is why it keeps putting out recommendations that people stop eating chicken and instead opt for fish – the fish being the chickens’ traditional enemy since time immemorial, an animosity explained in Genesis as having arisen from  God’s inability to decide which type of animal was his favorite Sunday dinner. Also suspicious is WHO’s pushing of genetically modified corn as a solution to the world’s hunger problem. But then, this should not surprise us as the world’s greatest producer of genetically modified food is Monsanto, a company whose products are suspected of causing infertility in mammals and which just happens to be run by some of the nastiest chickens in the WCC. Between Monsanto and WHO, humanity could soon be reduced to a bunch of sterile, fish-eating, corn-munching hippies, rather like certain parts of California.

But it’s even worse than that. Like a plastic bag filled with helium and then caught in an updraft, the conspiracy goes much, much higher. In fact, it goes all the way to the White House, which is currently being run by a chicken! That’s right. According to my source, President Obama himself is a chicken! My source first realized the horrible truth about Obama when, during a meeting, he leaned across him to get at the bowl of peanuts and heard faint sounds of clucking coming from the president’s chest! And Obama is not the first – the whole Bush cabinet was run by chickens, as was Bill Clinton’s! Why do you think there is so little difference between the Democrats and Republicans these days? Because whether it’s Bubba, Captain Cuckoo Bananas, or Jughead The Jackass, it’s always a member of the Worldwide Chicken Conspiracy pulling the levers and pushing the buttons! According to DeepCraw74, the whole takeover began silently and deadlyly in 1991, when then-Governor Clinton was killed by a chicken agent who had invited him home to look at his porn stash and smoke some weed. By the time “Clinton” made it into the White House, virtually everyone in Washington had been replaced by chickens, except for Newt Gingrich, who had been replaced by a cockroach named Roger. The Federal Reserve, the Pentagon, the NSA, all these are currently being run by chickens. In fact, the only major American agency not under control of Clucks Against Humanity is the CIA, which is in the hands of an unholy alliance of the KKK and the Little Sisters of the Poor!

The precise purpose of the imminent chicken takeover remains a mystery. World domination is a given, but why would chickens want to take over the world? Their needs are simple enough – some corn, some grit, occasional tickets to the Boston Symphony Orchestra – so what’s in it for them? Could it be a case of – dare I say it – vengeance most fowl? Could simple revenge be what it all comes down to? After millennia of being served up covered in breadcrumbs and with a side of French fries, have the chickens finally decided to get their own back by enslaving humanity? Perhaps, but it can’t be all bad – at least chickens aren’t carnivores, so we are unlikely to see a chain called Kentucky Fried Human any time soon. And what duties would a chicken’s human slave have to carry out? Clean up their poop? We already do that anyway, so I see little difference. But what if the chickens have some sort of deal going with, say, the raccoons? Is that the fate of humanity, then, to be devoured into extinction by ravenous raccoons? And what of the lizard people? What is their role in this? And could there be alien involvement? Are we to be shipped off-world to have our organs fricasseed  by two-headed, multi-tentacled creatures with names like Zargon The Great and Zilluzurp The Unctuous? But either way, what can an ordinary, non-chicken man do, other than to alert the masses to this insidious threat?  Nothing that I can think of right now.

Will the chickens succeed? Will we all become slaves to a bunch of clucking, feathery overlords who poop all over the place? Only time, and DeepCraw74, will tell.

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Glenn Danzig Mistaken For Garden Gnome

mr danzig in his less gnomish days

Mr. Danzig in his less gnomish days

It has been revealed today that punk and heavy metal icon Glenn Danzig was last week mistaken for a garden gnome while standing out on the curb in front of his home in New Jersey.

Mr. Danzig, who is best known for his 1993 hit “Mamma,” ( an ode to his mother, who had recently died from eating too much gorgonzola cheese in one sitting ) had last Friday morning been standing too close to a pile of goods put out by his neighbor for pickup by Goodwill when he was unceremoniously hoisted by his head and thrown into the back of the Goodwill truck. It is understood that Mr. Danzig was then taken to a Goodwill thrift store where he was appraised, priced and reportedly sold for $2.75 to a little old lady who took him home and placed him in front of her geraniums. Waiting until the old woman turned her back, Mr. Danzig whacked his captor on the back of the head with a nearby wheelbarrow, then fled the yard and made his way back home after hitching a ride on top of a golden retriever.

Asked about the embarrassing mistake, the charity’s pickup man explained that not only did Mr. Danzig strongly resemble a gnome but that he was standing in a pile of fertilizer at the time and that this, combined with Mr. Danzig’s little red cap, made the mistake an inevitable one.

When asked by a local reporter how he felt about the situation, Mr. Danzig said of the bizarre series of events, “I’m gonna sue everyone involved. That means Goodwill! That means the jerk in the truck! That means the old woman! That means those bastards from the Misfits! That means you, motherfucker!”

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Why Cats Fear Vacuum Cleaners

We have all been amused by photos and videos of household cats being freaked out by vacuum cleaners, or at least I have. You know the ones I mean – the kind of thing in which someone decides the place is getting a bit too messy so they pull out the old Hoover and run it over the carpet only to find their cat calling 911, or trying to batter the machine to death with a hockey stick. But where does this irrational fear come from? After all, when was the last time you heard of a cat being sucked up a vacuum cleaner’s pipe? Like most intelligent people, I have long been puzzled by this phenomenon and finally, after a few too many week-old burritos, decided to pull out my set of Britannicas and do some research.

As it turns out, this apparently inexplicable fear can be explained through an ancestral memory dating back to pre-historic times when large herds of vacuum cleaners roamed dense, antediluvian forests preying on cats and other small, furry creatures. What this means is that the average modern cat does not need to have a bad experience with a vacuum cleaner to be afraid of the things. Many eons ago, his ancestors were so traumatized by rampaging vacuum cleaners that the fear etched itself on their DNA, much the same way those burritos have etched themselves on my stomach wall. Being a DNA thing, this fear gets passed down from one generation to another, leading all cats to fear a certain household appliance at a deep, primal level without really understanding why they do so. And there is no doubt that cats did, at one time, have much to fear from the now-tamed creature called the vacuum cleaner…

Several cave paintings from Lascaux, for example, show what appears to be a vacuum cleaner chasing a large cat. Either that or it’s a mammoth chasing a Buick, scientists are uncertain as to which is the correct interpretation. And there have been folk tales about cats and vacuum cleaners for thousands of years. The popular children’s tale “Puss In Boots,” for example, originally ended with Puss being turned into a set of violin strings by a vacuum cleaner which had been roaming wild in the Marquis de Carabas’ game reserve. This is why the tale was originally titled “The Pussycat’s Gizzards,” but the title was considered too grim by the guys who first wrote the story down, hence the more child-friendly title and ending.

The first written record of a case of the ages old conflict between feline and vacuum cleaner comes to us from the ancient Sumerian city of Eridu, where, according to cuneiform clay tablets dug up in 1864 by a hungry pig looking for truffles, some time during the year 2953 BCE, the city’s king, one Nangishlishma Zazu The Incorrigible, was enraged to find that his favorite cat, Pussykins, had been devoured by a vacuum cleaner which had escaped from the local zoo. According to the tablets, the bereaved monarch hunted the murderous appliance down and took his vengeance by having the vacuum cleaner drawn, quartered, and then sold off for parts.

In 1473 BCE, the Chinese historian Huan Long Dong wrote in his classic text “Chinese History for Dummies,” that the emperor Zhòng Dung had ordered all the kingdom’s cats to be locked indoors after a soothsayer told him that his enemies were planning to bankrupt China by unleashing a wave of vacuum cleaners, the idea being that with all the cats gone there would be a huge plague of mice and rats, the country’s beetroot crops would be ruined, and the kingdom bankrupted. As it turned out, the threat was an empty one and the vacuum cleaner invasion never eventuated. This fact, combined with everyone eventually remembering that China did not actually have any beetroot crops, led to Zhòng Dung becoming known as The Foolish Emperor, or more colloquially, as Zhòng Dung The Dense.

According to the Roman historian Josephus Bugiardius, another well substantiated instance of a cat being attacked by a wild vacuum cleaner took place in 273 AD, when the Emperor Adagio Albinoni’s ginger cat, Macaroni Pomodoro the Third, made the mistake of wandering out into the woods while chasing a mouse who had just insulted his mother by comparing her unfavorably to some stale cheese. According to a pair of peasants who had been sitting on a nearby fallen log discussing the geopolitical woes of the time, the mouse ran into a cave and the cat followed. A moment later, the peasants heard a bone chilling “Vroooom” sound, then heard the cat utter a loud, garbled meow resembling the words “Holy shit!” Seconds later the cat’s bloodied pelt was thrown out through the cave door, and the mouse emerged, trembling and white as a sheet. Despite attempts by psychiatrists to get the mouse to talk, all he could ever say, in his quavering mouse voice, were the words “Vroom, vroom” over and over.

In more modern times, as vacuum cleaners have been tamed and pressed into servitude, such deadly incidents have become much less common, but the eons-old animosity some times expresses itself in unexpected ways. For example, historian Hasselblad Hasselmeyer of the Harvard School of Dentistry has claimed that the infamous Deep Throat was in fact Richard Nixon’s vacuum cleaner, who had decided that the best way to mess with Nixon’s cat “Butthead” was by discrediting his master. It should be pointed out that Mr. Hasselmeyer made this claim in a book written shortly after being accidentally trepanned during a visit to the local fish markets and is therefore considered, by cynics at least, to be a person of little credibility.

So the next time your poor old pussycat freaks out and runs around the room trying desperately to escape your vacuum cleaner, don’t be an insensitive bastard and pull out your phone and then humiliate the poor creature by putting the video on YouTube. Instead, remember that it’s a deep rooted fear that is hard wired into his DNA and his subconscious, and that the furry little weirdo just can’t help it. And if you must use a vacuum cleaner, make sure you send the cat away for the weekend, or at least put him inside some sort of large, iron cage in which he will feel safe as he watches the mysterious beast rampaging through the house. Of course, you could also stop using your vacuum cleaner – what, are you too good to use a broom, now?

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