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Local Woman Finds Mystery Object In Backyard

From our correspondent at The Marianas Trench Times

Miss Albaster Coralline holding mysterious object

Miss Alabaster Coralline holding the artifact which has the whole nation mystified.

The entire citizenry of the Marianas Trench is today speculating on the precise nature of a mystery object found yesterday by Miss Alabaster Coralline when she went out to her backyard to check on the washing.
Miss Coralline, who works as a waitress at a branch of Fillet O’ Fish, told our reporter…

“I couldn’t believe it. It was like nothing I had ever seen before, just this round, almost invisible bubble with a tiny little house inside it! And when I moved it around all these white bits started rising and swirling around inside! Then I thought, ‘What if there are tiny little Merpeople inside it?’ So I haven’t shaken it since… ”

close up of mystery object

A close up of the mystery object.

Like Miss Coralline, scientists had at first thought that perhaps some kind of tiny beings may be inhabiting the strange bubble, but x-rays and infra-red scans have shown no signs of life. The scientists, however, are quick to point out that any life inside may not be life as we know it and therefore may not be detectable with Mer technology. For this reason they are hesitant to try to break through the force field enveloping the mysterious domicile and instead are focusing on finding some way to communicate with whoever may or may not be inside the bubble. To this end they have held up signs in front of the bubble and have tried gently tapping a code on the force field but to no avail.

Conspiracy theorists immediately jumped to the conclusion that the object was some sinister device sent down by the alien beings they claim live far above in the sky, beings they call The Great Dry Ones…

“The most obvious answer is that this is a camera of some sort,” claimed Mr. Sturgeon Sandstirrer, president of the Marianas Society for Paranormal Research. “We have had several reports in the past of contact with large, mysterious vehicles which have descended from the sky, vehicles with eyes that shine like great lights. We believe these objects are piloted by the Great Dry Ones, who created Merkind untold ages ago and who periodically come down from the heavens to see how things are going. It is my opinion that the Great Dry Ones have wearied of traveling so far from home and have now sent this technologically sophisticated surveillance device to keep track of their creations.”

Professor Algernon Herringguts from the Marianas Institute for Scientific Dogma has a different view. He claims that…

“It’s obviously nothing more than a previously undiscovered subspecies of jellyfish which, as a defense mechanism, pretends to be an unknown object from some mysterious place.”

Professor Herringguts cites as a precedent the Bathynomus giganteus, or Giant Sea Louse, which scares away predators by pretending to be an investment banker…

giant louse investment banker

But perhaps the most interesting speculation on the origins of the mysterious object comes from Fidentia Whalesinger, High Priestess of the Church of the Anointed Shellfish. Miss Whalesinger claims that…

“It was foretold eons ago by the prophets that the Great Lobster in the Sky, he who created all that is, would send us a sign to announce the coming of his son, the savior of all Merkind. Thus said the prophets “a small sphere shall descend from the heavens and cause much puzzlement, and The Sacred Sphere shall be the herald of the coming of the son of the Great Lobster, and this son shall be known as The Anointed Shellfish. And The Anointed Shellfish shall smite the enemies of Merkind and lead them to an eternal paradise. P.S : It shall be Merkind that is led to paradise by The Anointed Shellfish, not Merkind’s enemies.”

When asked exactly what this eternal paradise would be like, Miss Whalesinger told us…

“I don’t know, the prophets tend to be pretty vague about stuff like that. But if the Great Lobster in the Sky is in charge you can bet it’s going to be really, really… er… good!”