Forget Bilderberg. Forget the Masons. Forget the Project for the New American Century — the real threat to world freedom these days are the chickens.
We should have seen it coming, of course. There are almost five times as many chickens on the face of the planet as there are humans, and God knows how many more chickens are hiding at the center of the earth. With that many chickens running around, you just knew they had to be up to something sinister. After all, what are the chances that all that clucking just adds up to innocuous chatter along the lines of, “Good corn today, Mabel!” No. The chicken is a devious and cunning animal, and so it was a given that their ambitions would sooner or later turn to world domination.
Suspecting that something sinister was afoot, I went looking around the most trustworthy repository of information known to man – the internet – and soon found a reliable source high up in the US government. This man is someone who posts on several forums as “DeepCraw74” and who has obvious access to the corridors of power ( in one post he revealed that President Obama’s favorite color is blue, a fact that only an insider would know and which I was easily able to verify through an internet search) and an encyclopedic knowledge of American politics ( in 2011 he correctly predicted that there would be a presidential election the following year.)
According to DeepCraw74, the chicken conspiracy has infiltrated even the highest echelons of world power. Not only do chickens secretly fund and run both major political parties in the US, but they are also in control of the World Bank, The International Monetary Fund, and my local branch of Little League. But how does such a thing happen? Chickens are not exactly known for their wealth, so how have they reached such lofty heights of world power? Well, it all comes down to the chicken’s hidden weapon – its intellect. It seems that over the last thirty years chicken scientists working for the Worldwide Chicken Conspiracy, a.k.a Clucks Against Humanity, have developed such sophisticated androids that not even the smartest human can tell them from the real thing. These amazing androids are operated by chicken pilots hidden inside the machine’s thoracic cavity and then used to replace people in positions of power. The victims of this nefarious plan are usually lured to their deaths by promises of fried chicken – this is how Rush Limbaugh met his end – or seduced and then suffocated with a pillow by Angelina Jolie, who in WCC circles is known as the Mata Hari of Chickens. Ironically, the real Angelina Jolie was killed off in her late teens while protesting the treatment of chickens outside a KFC. Once replaced by the android version, the WCC swiftly engineered Jolie’s rise through the Hollywood hierarchy – something that, at long last, explains her getting that Oscar for “Girl Interrupted.”
But the rot goes much, much higher than bloated talk radio kings and anorexic screen queens. The current head of The International Monetary Fund is a chicken called Christine Lagarde, who replaced an actual human called Dominique Strauss-Kahn who was booted out of the job after an American chicken accused him of ruffling her feathers. Once he was out, in came Lagarde, who proceeded to institute a bunch of suspicious initiatives including forbidding third world countries from hosting any anti-chicken organizations including Lyndon LaRouche’s civil rights organization The Chickens Are Out To Get Us, and the corporation which owns Chicken Licken. Ironically, Lagarde is one of the few chicken androids who actually looks like a chicken, so one wonders why it has taken so long for anyone to realize what she’s up to.
DeepCraw74 also informs us that WHO ( the World Health Organization, not the well-known space alien) is totally under control of the chickens, and that this is why it keeps putting out recommendations that people stop eating chicken and instead opt for fish – the fish being the chickens’ traditional enemy since time immemorial, an animosity explained in Genesis as having arisen from God’s inability to decide which type of animal was his favorite Sunday dinner. Also suspicious is WHO’s pushing of genetically modified corn as a solution to the world’s hunger problem. But then, this should not surprise us as the world’s greatest producer of genetically modified food is Monsanto, a company whose products are suspected of causing infertility in mammals and which just happens to be run by some of the nastiest chickens in the WCC. Between Monsanto and WHO, humanity could soon be reduced to a bunch of sterile, fish-eating, corn-munching hippies, rather like certain parts of California.
But it’s even worse than that. Like a plastic bag filled with helium and then caught in an updraft, the conspiracy goes much, much higher. In fact, it goes all the way to the White House, which is currently being run by a chicken! That’s right. According to my source, President Obama himself is a chicken! My source first realized the horrible truth about Obama when, during a meeting, he leaned across him to get at the bowl of peanuts and heard faint sounds of clucking coming from the president’s chest! And Obama is not the first – the whole Bush cabinet was run by chickens, as was Bill Clinton’s! Why do you think there is so little difference between the Democrats and Republicans these days? Because whether it’s Bubba, Captain Cuckoo Bananas, or Jughead The Jackass, it’s always a member of the Worldwide Chicken Conspiracy pulling the levers and pushing the buttons! According to DeepCraw74, the whole takeover began silently and deadlyly in 1991, when then-Governor Clinton was killed by a chicken agent who had invited him home to look at his porn stash and smoke some weed. By the time “Clinton” made it into the White House, virtually everyone in Washington had been replaced by chickens, except for Newt Gingrich, who had been replaced by a cockroach named Roger. The Federal Reserve, the Pentagon, the NSA, all these are currently being run by chickens. In fact, the only major American agency not under control of Clucks Against Humanity is the CIA, which is in the hands of an unholy alliance of the KKK and the Little Sisters of the Poor!
The precise purpose of the imminent chicken takeover remains a mystery. World domination is a given, but why would chickens want to take over the world? Their needs are simple enough – some corn, some grit, occasional tickets to the Boston Symphony Orchestra – so what’s in it for them? Could it be a case of – dare I say it – vengeance most fowl? Could simple revenge be what it all comes down to? After millennia of being served up covered in breadcrumbs and with a side of French fries, have the chickens finally decided to get their own back by enslaving humanity? Perhaps, but it can’t be all bad – at least chickens aren’t carnivores, so we are unlikely to see a chain called Kentucky Fried Human any time soon. And what duties would a chicken’s human slave have to carry out? Clean up their poop? We already do that anyway, so I see little difference. But what if the chickens have some sort of deal going with, say, the raccoons? Is that the fate of humanity, then, to be devoured into extinction by ravenous raccoons? And what of the lizard people? What is their role in this? And could there be alien involvement? Are we to be shipped off-world to have our organs fricasseed by two-headed, multi-tentacled creatures with names like Zargon The Great and Zilluzurp The Unctuous? But either way, what can an ordinary, non-chicken man do, other than to alert the masses to this insidious threat? Nothing that I can think of right now.
Will the chickens succeed? Will we all become slaves to a bunch of clucking, feathery overlords who poop all over the place? Only time, and DeepCraw74, will tell.