The innocent – and apparently rather dead – animal pictured to your left is a member of a species commonly known as the Asian carp, and it has become the unlikely epicenter of a racial controversy.

The entire hubbub was touched off when conservative talk show host Sean Hannity blamed the fish for an attack on an Illinois man. It would seem that a certain Tad Newell – if that really is his name- was riding along on his jet ski when the villainous Fu-Manchu fish leapt out of the water and knocked him off his machine.

Despite the fact that neither the authorities nor “Tad Newell” claim any malice aforethought on the part of the fish, it wasn’t long before right wing pundits were calling for the borders to be closed to all fishes of Asian origin. Rush Limbaugh even went as far as to call for the immediate detention of all Asian Carps till it could be ascertained that they did not pose a terrorist threat.

Now, call me paranoid if you must but i see a subtle anti-Asian subtext running through all this! And my suspicions were confirmed when Glenn Beck called for the immediate deportation of all Asians, fish or otherwise, from the United States on the grounds that individuals of Asian origin are more likely than others to leap out of the water and knock people off their jet skis! He even went so far as to claim that during a promotional visit for Rush Hour 2, Jackie Chan committed this crime over a dozen times, with the added insult of stealing the jet skis and shipping them back to his innumerable relatives in Hong Kong! This kind of knee-jerk reaction, alas, is what comes of having a country as ideologically divided as the U.S – when will this madness end?

It would appear that notorious Pop Diva and horse fancier Madonna did not endear herself to Hamptonites during her last stay at Wolffer Estate Vineyards in Sagaponack.

According to reports, the neighbors  were none too thrilled at their famous guest’s demands while staying at the Estate, demands which included that no one else be allowed to ride a horse while she was doing so, and that a new 15 year old boy should be provided for her amusement every day.

Rabbi Herschel Schlemiel, of the Upper Hampton Synagogue, complained that  Ms Ciccone was a frequent visitor to the synagogue but seemed to have little understanding of Jewish tradition…

“She was always asking me where the Holy Water was!” he told us.

Another  Hamptonite, who wished to remain anonymous, commented that…

“It was awful the last time she was here, there were used condoms scattered all over the forest!” Source here.

The greatest danger to mankind  at this moment in time is not a bunch of sneezing piggies, but rather the little-reported outbreak of  pet zombification sweeping the Eastern United States.

Seen here is the late Fluffball McGuffin, of Rhode Island, who is suspected of having eaten his owner’s head. Fluffball is so far the only sufferer caught on film, the picture having been found inside a bloodstained camera lying beside his owner’s headless corpse.

According to the Centres for Disease Control, it is not yet known how this situation came about, but the epidemic is expected to spread at a very fast rate, and authorities are warning the public against approaching any animals they don’t know, especially those who are wandering around looking like roadkill.