Lindsay Lohan Dating Jabba The Hutt

During my recent visit to the West Coast i had the chance to catch up with some well known faces, one of which was little Lindsay Lohan, who told me that she has grown weary of keeping up the charade and  that she wants the world to finally know the truth.

It seems Lilo’s love life is not quite what we have been led to believe – Samantha Ronson was just a beard, the LA Lakers were just a cover up, as was her application to be David Letterman’s gofer.

Lindsay’s one true love is in fact movie star and morbidly obese crime lord Jabba the Hutt.

“I’ve kept this relationship a secret because I was afraid people wouldn’t understand, what with me being a lesbian and Jabba being a gigantic man-slug. You know how judgmental people can be.”

The two lovebirds met on the set of the Daredevil movie, where Lindsay was auditioning for the part of Elektra and Jabba for the part of the Kingpin, and they immediately hit it off over their shared hatred of Ben Affleck (Jabba claims Affleck once told him his acting was only slightly better than that of Jason Mewes, which greatly offended the Juiliiard-trained Hutt).

It wasn’t long before Jabba asked Lindsay out to Dan Tana’s where the notoriously ravenous leading man proceeded to devour not only several dozen tubs of ravioli, but also the entire salad bar  and two Korean tourists.  Says Lindsay of the incident “I knew then this would not be an easy relationship, but as Woody Allen once famously said, ‘The heart wants what the heart wants!’”

Lilo’s concerns proved to be well-founded during the pair’s second  date at  Elaine’s, where they were accosted by Carrie Fisher, with whom Jabba had a brief fling during the filming of The Empire Strikes Back. This initial confrontation led to several cat fights which eventually ended with Fisher being sued for ordering lobster at a kosher restaurant.

Jabba and Lilo are  eager to get married but fear their children would be hideous mutants that would never make the cover of Premiere…

“We have considered adopting, but we figure if they won’t let Elton and David do it, what chance do Jabba and i stand?”

Personally i wish this troubled young couple only the best, and have a strange and rather mystical feeling that theirs will turn out to be a Hollywood love story that will outshine those of  Fairbanks and Pickford, Taylor and Burton.

Unless of course, Jabba decides to eat Lindsay’s family, in which case the entire thing could turn out to be a public relations nightmare …