The Miracles Of Saint Saul Of The Blessed Haddock

In the year of Our Lord 1671 there took place in the little French town of LaPetiteBlague a most wondrous event.

Much respected about the region was a Franciscan monk by the name of Brother Saul of SalmonCouer. This saintly man had devoted his life to aiding the poor, tending to the crippled, and helping the village idiot to operate his IPod. He was felled in his 73rd year by a mysterious plague that caused the sufferer to burst into an impression of Pope Pious the Obstinate, after five minutes of which the sufferer’s head suddenly exploded. Upon news of the unfortunate detonation the entire town was plunged into the deepest grief and soon it was decided that to honor their much-loved pastor a funeral would be arranged, funerals at the time being generally reserved for saintly men whose heads had exploded.

Towards the end of the funeral a man who had for many years been unable to pronounce the word “Deconstructionalism” touched the smoked haddock resting on the much admired Holy Man’s coffin (for placing a dead fish on the Holy Man’s coffin was the tradition of the day) and suddenly shouted out “Mon Dieu, I can say it! I can say it! Deconstructionalism! Deconstructionalism!” The gathered congregates were amazed and astounded, and some even befuddled, by this miraculous occurrence, and they fell on their knees in prayer. After a few minutes they got up, wiped the prayer from their knees and lined up to touch the magical haddock.

Many were the wonders reported that day- the town’s laziest man was finally able to walk unaided, a blind man who sidelined as an archer for the King’s army magically regained his vision, a visiting Scotsman picked up a bill, and everyone finally got the small joke about the town’s name. Alas, as dinner time neared the miracles came to a sudden end when the peckish village idiot devoured the blessed haddock – an act of blasphemy which led to the villagers having him stoned to death for heresy.


Source: “The Beatification of Saint Saul of the Blessed Haddock” by Bishop Alberto Parianini. Vatican Press. 1923


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