How to Grow Moss

Growing moss is not as easy as one might assume, but with patience and the right attitude it can be done.

The first thing to do is find yourself a nice shady spot. Under a tree in your garden should do. As moss likes buttermilk, you should first soak your clothing in said substance, then smother some of it on your face and massage it through your hair. Then proceed to sit down under the tree for at least a couple of months, as moss grows quite slowly. You will need to be kept moist, so you will require the help of a friend or relative who will come by at least twice daily and give you a light misting with the garden hose. If such a person is not available you may want to use a sprinkler system with a timer. Make sure you don’t set it to go off during the night as being woken by a sudden soaking is no fun at all.

If you follow the instructions given above, you will soon be sporting a luxurious layer of velvety green that all your family, friends, and even strangers can not fail to admire.