Paradise, my ass!

Categories:

The Arts

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For no reason other than that I am a big fan of Symphonic Heavy Metal and that Within Temptation is one of my favorite acts, here is the new Within Temptation video, featuring not only their usual singer Sharon den Adel but also some obscure Finnish woman called Tarja something or other.

The single is called “Paradise,” though it seems to depict a future which is anything but halcyon. So what’s it all about? The singers standing around singing idealistic lyrics while some chick goes about setting off a machine that turns the earth green after it has been reduced to a post-apocalyptic wasteland thanks to a future, and predictably disastrous, Hillary Clinton presidency, that would be my guess.

 

“Nice knockers, Madam!”

Categories:

Weird Miscellany

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While modern doorbells have their virtues –  namely being small and inexpensive –  they are a pretty boring and uninteresting affair. Just some little square box of plastic. If you’re lucky it’ll make a wacky noise when you press the button, but most of the time you won’t get even that much amusement out of them – the stupid thing just stands there looking insipid and occasionally saying “Ding dong,” rather like a blonde woman trying really hard to win the title of Ms America.

The old fashioned door knocker, on the other hand, is a much more colorful critter. It is to the modern door knocker what a peacock is to a sparrow, what a baked alaska is to a McDonald’s Apple “Pie”, what Woody Allen is to Ben Stiller. Coming as it does in an infinite variety of designs, this archaic species ranges from the cute, to the outrageous, to the, frankly, just plain stupid. So I set out to find the coolest door knockers that I could and after an extensive, worldwide internet search that took me at least 5 minutes, I have put together a magnificent cornucopia of the most resplendent and transcendent examples that I could find of
 er
 things what is used to knock on doors…

Here we have a fine example of what happens when breast augmentation goes too far. Why she’s holding her head I don’t know. Maybe she can’t believe she was stupid enough to sign up for something called “Dr Gonzo’s Mammoth Titties Deluxe.” Or maybe she’s just getting ready for the almighty clangor that will follow when someone finally gets round to grabbing those puppies.

 

From the mouth of a Francophile gastronome to your door – you can tell it’s just escaped from a French restaurant because some jerk has eaten one of its antennae! Also, I am assured by the photographer that it reeked of garlic


Bad cat! Bad!

This one is for the weary home owner wishing to give his visitors the boot


And this one is for when he wants to give them both the boot and the cold shoulder


“From hell’s heart I stab at thee; for hate’s sake I spit my last breath at thee. Ye damned door knocker.”

And here we have a startlingly realistic and deeply moving depiction of England’s Prince Charles, the Man Who Would Be King if only his mom would hurry up and die already…

“Hey Rocky, watch me pull a door knocker out of my hat!”

Here’s a guaranteed way to keep Jehovah’s witnesses at bay. The downside is that it might attract Satanists and people canvassing for the Republican party


A horse is a horse, of course, of course. And sometimes he’s also a door knocker


For the neurotic home owner we have this representation of the King of the Jungle, an animal which, if his expression is anything to go by, is a fine example of Shakespeare’s caveat that “uneasy lies the head that wears a crown, though it won’t get as many weird stares as the head that wears a pinwheel hat
”

And of course, sometimes it’s not so much the door knocker that is of interest, but rather the stupidity of whoever placed it on the door. Unless, that is, this woman’s a midget, in which case I may be about to get sued for impugning the intelligence of whoever owns that door


Hot Chick Of The Week – Deborah Ann Woll

Categories:

Girls

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For all its many fine qualities, HBO’s vampire drama-southern gothic-porn movie hybrid True Blood has a problem – it’s full of pretty men, but women, not so much. The one striking and welcome exception to this distressing situation is a certain red-headed, creamy-skinned concoction by the name of Deborah Ann Woll.

Before landing the role of baby vampire Jessica Hamby in True Blood, this salacious slathering of feminine allure seems to have appeared in nothing of note, except perhaps for her cutting-edge portrayal of King Lear while studying at the USC School of Dramatic Arts – the first time anyone had played the mad monarch as a young Chinese woman.

Obviously, the first pic has to be of Jessica Hamby, nice Christian girl turned cold blooded creature of the night –  a transformation so slight as to be almost unnoticeable


 

Pretty, and I like the skull and the Bayou lighting, but it lacks, shall we say, bite. Here’s the lovely pair missing from the previous pic


Now you see ‘em, now you don’t


And speaking of lovely pairs


Here we have Baby Jessica chillin’ with daddy. They seem to be discussing the legal drinking age – or the utter crappiness of the beverages on offer, if the look on Jessica’s face is anything to go by – while contemplating a couple of four-packs of Tru Bloods


And here she is opening up a Tru Blood all by her self. I don’t know why she has a pen in her hand, perhaps she couldn’t find a straw


In this one she appears to be making sexual advances towards a Shifter. Either that or she’s putting one of those stupid neckerchief things on some helpless dog. Either way, it just aint right


Here we see young Deborah heading for a fancy dress party dressed as – what else – Little Red Biting Hood


And now it’s Little Red Stripping Hood


deborah woll red bustier stockings

 

If the puzzled looks on their faces are anything to go by, in  this one Woll and co-star Ryan Kwanten are trying very hard to figure out which of them is prettier


This is easily the weirdest photo of Woll on the net. I don’t know what the hell is going on here, she looks like she has a small red octopus clamped to her face!

Deborah seems to have quite an appetite, and when there aren’t any necks around she will resort to all sorts of bizarre eating behavior. Here she is trying to vampirize her own fingernail


And as if that weren’t bad enough, in this one she is trying to vampirize a defenseless glove! Is nothing safe when this girl is around?

And here she is lying in bed with what appears to be her mobile. If the expression on her face is anything to go by she’s probably thinking “I wonder if this thing is edible?”

Of course, no one is perfect, not even the pretty girls. Deborah, for one, tends to be rather crap at makeup, having a tendency to apply her lipstick several inches too high


And when I say she’s crap at applying makeup, I mean reeeeaaally crap


In this one she has apparently just uttered the kind of word not allowed on TV, though on HBO I can’t possibly imagine what that word would be


She has more serious flaws than bad make-up application and swearing, though. If this candid pic taken at an upmarket women’s boutique is anything to go by, she likes to shove things up her ass  while in public spaces!

Still, one can forgive a foul mouth and gross, public displays of sexual exhibitionism when a girl can look this good with a minimum of makeup. As is so often the case, the pretty ones look best without buckets of paint on their faces. Stupid earrings, though


Amongst Deborah’s other redeeming features are also a couple of hidden talents. First one is that she can make this seriously wacked-out face
.

And the second one is that she does a killer impression of Woody Allen


And of course, Deborah is just thrilled to be Random Goofiness’ Hot Chick of the Week


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