Hot Chick of the Week – Melissa George

Categories:

Girls

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This week’s featured female is some crumpet from Down Under — an antipodean hottie, a koala-smooching, kangaroo-riding descendant of England’s criminal class. In other words an Australian.

Probably best known for 30 Days Of Night, a horror movie in which a small town is decimated by hordes of accountants, George has also played a walking organ bank in the rather grisly Turistas, a bewildered housewife in the remake of The Amityville Horror, and a woman trapped in a Sisyphean nightmare in Triangle. But don’t go jumping to the conclusion that Miss George is a one trick pony who prances around only in horror movies — she has also starred in Zombie Lobsters from Beyond the Grave, The Night My Head Ate Itself, and Devil Duck from Cleveland.

The bunny-toothed beauty began her career on one of those unbelievably tedious Australian soap operas meant to hypnotize daft housewives into buying more crap than they need. This one was called “Home and Away” — presumably because watching it made small children want to run away from home. Or slaughter their parents. Or both…

But nobody’s perfect and with a mouth like that you can’t help but forgive her. Yes, that mouth. A mouth that seems to whisper softly and sensuously “Yes, ohhh yes. I’m
 er
 a mouth
”

 

A little known fact about Melissa is that shortly after moving to California in her early twenties, she was involved in a bizarre ménage-a-trois with Daffy Duck and Wile E. Coyote. The unconventional relationship came to a bad end when Melissa developed a fat fetish and ran off with Porky Pig.

Quite the athletic little thing, George was at one time a national champion in “Dunk The Pigmy,” a bizarre Australian sport which involves tearing around a well – greased skating rink, while thumping people with a stuffed platypus and tossing dwarves through basketball hoops. Here she is trying out for the female lead in Dr No — she didn’t get the part, mostly because she turned up for the audition several decades too late.

Apparently the reason Melissa quit the noble sport of “Dunk The Pigmy” in favor of acting is that she felt bad about all the violence involved. Here she is confessing her sins to a priest who is obviously thinking “What a dwarf-tossing jerk!”

And here she is, being stalked by Todd Hudson, a deranged Beverley Hills green grocer who was convinced that she had once cheated him out of a cabbage — what he was doing inside the cabbage has never been explained. As you can see, Hudson is wearing an old sack of potatoes on his head, a fact which accounted for his inability to get within three feet of his quarry. Every time he tried to sneak up on her, George would scream out “Oh my god, I smell moldy potatoes,” and run to the nearest police station.


But on to more pleasant matters. Here she is at the start of a saturday night out with the girls



And here she is a few hours later. Oh, dear! Oh well, I guess we’ve all been there. Not me of course, I’m a teetotaler, but I’m sure all the drunken degenerates out there know what she feels like…

Presumably because she was exhausted from saturday night’s booze-fuelled debauchery, Melissa then went home and fell asleep on top of the dog. Why she put on an excessive amount of makeup and slipped into some sort of military outfit first is anyone’s guess


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“Give me the dough or I’ll clear your toilets!”

Categories:

In The News

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New York doofus Lawrence Deptola (that’s him in the photo, trying to look dangerous) decided to pull off a couple of bank heists, but unlike everyone else in the US he didn’t own a gun, so he used a toilet plunger instead.

That’s right, Loony Larry walked into three separate banks screaming obscenities and threatening to whack tellers with the plumbing implement if they didn’t comply with his requests for money. Not surprisingly, the would-be Clyde got away empty handed, presumably because it’s rather difficult for a bank teller to fill a bag with banknotes while laughing their heads off.

After his last farcical attempt at pulling off the big one, Deptola was spotted by some cops as they were rummaging through the garbage cans in front of the local Dunkin’ Donuts. Spotting the flatfoots, Deptola tried to take off by flapping his arms and making a loud “Caw! Caw!” sound. When this failed he resorted to running away on foot, and was briefly chased around a Bank of America ATM before being  captured and charged with attempted robbery, making an ass of himself, and doing a very lame bird impression.

What amazes me is that not only did he choose the world’s lamest weapon, but that he didn’t even have the good sense to tape it to his nose and go into the bank shouting in a shrill electronic voice “Give me all your money or I will exterminate you!”

More toilet humor here

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Ask Ambrose – Puzzling Pets

Categories:

Advice, Odd Animals

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Cat Has Toilet Problem


Dear Ambrose

My cat won’t flush. I have taught Shady Jim how to use the toilet with not much difficulty, but for some reason I can’t seem to get him to flush it. Is this some inherent problem with cats, or is he playing some sort of silly power game?

Too Cheap To Buy Kitty Litter
Boston

This is a common problem amongst house cats, who generally speaking have no problem going to the toilet in front of humans, but who feel very self conscious about flushing. I suspect that he does in fact flush, just not when you’re standing there with a camera in your hands and a weird look on your face. Try secreting a motion-activated camera in the bathroom, as this will soon tell you whether or not he is flushing. If the footage shows that the cat is not flushing even when not being watched, he may be refusing to do so as a protest against the fact that you don’t seem to have any toilet paper in your toilet.

Yours, Ambrose

 

Horizontal Dog Puzzles Owner


Dear Ambrose

My dog “Treacle” has for the last few days been lying in this unusual position. Is there anything wrong or is he just trying to irritate me?

Prone Dog Owner
New Mexico

Dear Prone Dog Owner,

I see three possibilities here. The first is that you find yourself in possession of an unusually lazy dog, in which case the solution is to prick him with a pin. If that does not work, show him a photo of Lady Gaga in her underwear. If neither of those things shocks him into action, I suspect you are stuck with what will no doubt grow up to be a city councilman. The second possibility is that your pooch is doing an impression of a bearskin rug, probably because he saw some similar action on one of his favorite TV shows. The solution to this is to tell him sternly “Stop it! You are not a bearskin rug! You are a dog! Repeat after me – a dog!” The third possibility is that your dog has been flattened by a truck. If this is the case, the only remedy is to place a large cardboard box over him and not remove it till the smell goes away — it should take about two months.

Ambrose

 

Cat Reluctant to Socialize


Dear Ambrose,

My cat has become very shy around people. Whenever we have visitors over he hides in the drawers and looks at us with suspicion. This seems an unusual degree of unsociability, even for a cat. What is wrong with him?

Owner of Antisocial Cat
Rhode Island

I’m afraid the only possible explanation is that your cat has developed some sort of social phobia. He has come to regard all humans outside of his own circle as possible predators who may wish to cook him or turn him into a nice pair of slippers. If this condition is left untreated it may escalate to a case of full-blown paranoia, and he may start suspecting everyone he lives with of wanting to stuff him into an oven. I suggest you get the distrustful feline off to a cat psychologist as soon as possible. Cat psychologists can be quite costly, but not as costly as waking up to find out your cat has decided to get you before you get him.

Yours, Ambrose

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