Ask Ambrose

Dear Ambrose

I smell worse after a shower than before.  What could be causing this?

Signed

Stinky in Buffalo Springs

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Dear Stinky in Buffalo Springs

I am unable to help as you do not state what it is that you are showering with. If your  location is anything to go by you may be showering in something not meant to be used in such a way. Also, if you have recently had a lice problem you may be showering in kerosene, which would certainly explain the smell.

More realistic explanations include the possibility that it is not so much you as your bathroom that stinks. This is a problem easily solved by flushing the toilet more often and/or placing used toilet paper in the toilet bowl rather than the wastebasket. The other thing that comes to mind is that there is something wrong with your nose. I don’t mean to imply anything, but perhaps it has become overly sensitive due to excessive cocaine use.

Hoping I have been of some help,

Ambrose

Dancing Squirrels?

I don’t know precisely what the hell is going on here, but it looks as if a giant, mentally deranged
squirrel has stormed onto the stage in order to make a fool of the other performers. Or maybe it’s
some sort of new terrorist tactic! Oh my god, exploding squirrels!
They tank him up on Vodka, then send the poor bastard into a crowded place
and blow him up by remote control!

What terrible weapon will those evil bastards think of next?

A Course In Miracles, Down Under!

Take heart folks, the US isn’t the only country in the world with more than its fair share of bible-bashing, rapture-awaiting idiots. An Australian religious outfit is offering courses in how to cure popular ailments like cancer through prayer, nice thoughts and wishful thinking!

The Westlife Church in the state of Queensland – which I am told is the Australian equivalent of  the Appalachians – has recently set up a six month course aimed at teaching the gullible (especially, I suspect,  the ones with fat wallets) how to get all sorts of interesting crap to happen simply by asking the man upstairs. The “School of the Supernatural” promises to turn its students into fundamentalist Harry Potters who can not only cure cancer and heal broken bones, but also raise the dead  with naught but the wave of a self righteous hand!

The church’s manager, an escaped mental patient by the name of Yvonne Baker, claims that many miracles have already been performed at the church. The most impressive of these being her own ability to create a magical and inexplicable light simply by pressing a small button set into the wall!

Source

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